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Tuesday, April 07, 2009

The Pregnant Father

It's been 4 months now that Csilla is pregnant and it had huge influence on my life. We went through some pretty big change, and i mean BIG. All of that change is not bad at all, in fact i think things turned towards the better i would say. All i can say is Csilla is taking the pregnancy very well, she is one of those happy mothers who laugh a lot, and really feels good about herself. I think it has to do a lot with support from both families and i cant be too shy of my support either :))) She gives back a lot of love to me as well, that really helps the balance and keep me in good shape as well. In lot of cases during pregnancies the stronger gender feels all left out of the circle and that can really screw up the situation. It's definitely not been the case for us.

I remember how hard it was for my sister, and to be honest i was afraid we could end up like them as well. Her case was very hard had an endangered pregnancy and her husband provided her mostly pain and humiliation and no love at all. I kind of feel for her just now. But looking back at their case was so different. In first place they should never even have a baby back then. Their relationship was absolutely weak. It is said that the baby brings out the worst of people and it will challenge our relationship big time. We are different, we have respect and love and joy in our relationship, even now in a supposedly harder time, but you know what i must thank God to give me such a nice present, such a cool pregnant period, such a great wife. Im just overwhelmingly happy Csilla is going to be the mother of our child. Also facing our worse, I can say i already saw the worst of myself playing cards, and i have turned out to know myself better than anyone else. I got to know my weaknesses and i learned from them and i still learn, and im getting better. Its been really a great journey and i think facing myself in life was the toughest thing to do for me so far. In life many people never face their own self, living life as it is thrown at them. Its a shame, its a great journey exploring once' self its a bumpy ride for sure seeing yourself in a mirror that sometimes just shows pictures you dont want to see, other times it shows pictures of u that are not true... Definitely worth a try to look into your weakest points, where you think you can improve. Luckily for me, poker has been the mirror, it tested me and tests me day in and out. I think it prepared me to be ready as a father and be ready as a good person and to be a more responsible person. But i dont wanna go too far, its not like im flawless now, but to be honest i think grew up. For the first time in life i think i can say that. Its not like a grown up person throws away the fun part of life, men can never be as grown up as women, they just need their little toys and fun time always, but yeah, grown up to me means take life and be responsible living it. This is what im doing, all 2009 is all about that... and time to time it's not easy and other times its the best thing in the world. I dont really know where i will be in 5 or 10 years, but i believe i will fly sky high compared to where i stand at the moment both emotions and both stability wise. We will see, but i will have a say in our future for sure. :) Definitely my no. 1 goal is to provide financial and emotional security for my family, provide a good nest and raise a child with a good heart.

Anyways, i got off the track here a bit and im talking about stuff that is not in main focus these days. Well it is for me, but there is something of higher importance that needs attention. So yeah, Csilla is growing nicely so far gained 5 kilos that is not too bad. If all things go well she will gain up to 15 kilos which is really not bad, and she wont totally deform as a lady either. Saying just that she is totally deformed by now, but in a good way, she is really cute with a little belly, and i totally feel good about her. She is so fit and happy and cute i cant really ask for more. I hope the second half of her pregnancy will go just as good. It's a really nice period we have been talking about names already and how we are going to raise our baby and all that parental stuff... :)

Today we are going to the doctor and hopefully we are going to get to know the gender of our little baby. Im so excited, btw Csilla doesnt really want to know, she wants a surprise. Oh hell yeah, SURPRISE MEEEE, TODAAAYY. So hopefully by end of day i will get to know if we going to have a football star or a pop diva coming to the family :) Anyways either way im totally in madly excitement. For years ive been talking about how i dont want kids and how children are pain in the butt, and how they just are too much responsibility, its a big change for sure, but i cant really wait for the moment to see my baby. In fact im totally emotional these days. Im like a pregnant father. Dont know what has changed in me but my hormones changed me into a very sensible (wo)man :)

Last time we went to the doctor and saw some Ultrasound Pictures my eyes got all wet and i got like totally weak seeing our baby. Its such a weird feeling, and people who never had been pregnant or did not wait a baby probabily dont know what they are missing. Its just been weird seeing something totally new that touches into your heart so strong. We saw the baby crossing his/her little legs it was just an amazing moment. Today we will see him/her even better, i hope i will be strong and wont cry. :) Anyways, either way wether the baby will be a boy or girl i dont care, as long as he/she is healthy. We all say that health is no.1 always, but at first i really wanted a little girl, as i think there is a bit more sensuality between daughters and fathers, but then again there is more context between fathers and sons. So either way it will be a very good story. Life is crazily big, i just realized what a gift we've been given.

Im going to leave with that finish, my updates on other parts of life will come in a different post. So stick around, more coming later.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

congrats Roland and Csilla!!!!
We are very excited for you! 4 months and we are just hearing about it, shame on you. ;-) I am sure that Csilla is a beautiful mom to be!