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Friday, December 31, 2010

Looking back and forward - New Year's resolutions

Pfeeewww.... 12 months without writing anything in my blog. This year was busy, hectic, crazy and pretty much x5 that the last 3 words in it covers. In one word i would describe the year as TOUGH, and so that would explain why it was last thing for me to write anything here. But i will try to remember back at stuff and post some short memoir of the best and worst of this year.

I prefer to start with the best and good as most likely this is what will keep me coming back at later days in my life when i revisit these days. I already often picture the best things since Kristof was born, but i'll put out an effort right now and describe it from my perspective. His arrival planted very controversial thoughts in me at first (mostly about freedom, love, life and responsibility), I never really understood what it means to be a father, and the first few months of his arrival i could best describe it as CHANGE, WORK, RESPONSIBILITY and I don't really have anything else to say here. All i was thinking how i'm gonna cope with all new that struck into our home. Now back 16 months ago i still was a kid in a man's body (am afraid i still am) so being afraid of having a child was totally alright, but i started to grow into my role day by day. With the rhythm of my life it was often not very easy. But i grew every day and I'm growing as of yet into it. After a few months of getting used to it, i am starting to realize that having and raising a child is the deepest most intense sport there is to life. The love and bonding between son and father is so huge i would not be able to describe it even to my best efforts (Imagine that multiplied by infinite and thats what it is between mother and child). And yet he is just 16 months old. He is the greatest thing in my life and i hope to be the best father to him just as my father was to me. I have started to understand just recently how much our father has given to us, how much he fought for us, for our comfort, our well being and our future. He fought the world alone if he had to, didn't let anyone to hurt us, he fought for the better always, and never stopped doing so. I couldn't understand, really, up till now. Being a father is huge, and you get enormous power from it, power to protect, to fight and to keep going. That's how i understand it. And that's the expectation i set out for myself to be the best me i can be, to be the best father, who will protect his son in storm and fire, no matter what happens.  These are my expectations, and i hope they will match and overachieve my son's beliefs. He is the greatest boy. He gave so much to us this year, always smiling, being really really happy, that says something about his environment he is growing up in, he is loved so greatly he is a very happy child. I remember back in last January we were amazed when he was sitting up causing one of the biggest break-through to us, we haven't yet known anything, the next steps like standing up, walking and saying the first words just came so quickly. It was not so long ago, when let him hang and sleep on my arms as a baby and now he is almost talking to us. Everything happened so quickly, before we had enough time to enjoy the first developments the next happens and again and again. By now he is saying daddy, he likes to play with me and he greets me every day with the biggest smile and joy when he sees me. I "think" i love being a dad. :) I wonder where our road will lead us... but i look forward to that adventure from the bottom of my heart...

A child's coming into a relationship is not all hee hee and ha ha though, it puts a heavy stone on the couple and the frustration, the change, the coping with the newborn caused a lot of trouble, stress and emotion into our relation, but after ending this year i think we destroyed some barriers and can lead on a happier life with wife. We broke through a lot of milestones this year, and while our journey together is far from over, i look forward with great expectations to a happy life with Csilla. I'd like to mention that she as a mother is fantastic, she started cooking this year and added quite a bit of recipes to her repertoire and made it her own so much that now im having trouble eating somebody else's food. Now this  is a great thing, prior to this year Csilla never cooked we always ate out and now that im getting spoiled with some home cooked heaven its really teasing me well. I already have some real favorites like homemade hamburgers, her bolognese lasagna or the multiple choices of soups she can make. The soups are probabily my favorite, probabily because i just love soup so much in general, but to give a compliment i like her stock more all day long than my mom's and thats a huge thing. So yes, it was a tough year for us, she had to cope with Kristof for the most part, with cooking and time to time with me as well not to mention Benny. So yes it wasn't easy. Oh yea, Csilla also did the shopping all the time this year, i think im gonna add a bit more of that into my chores so she wouldnt feel all left alone. 

During the year we went Croatia for a week and i must say it was absolutely great, Kristof really enjoys the sun and the water, so he is looking to grow into some real beach person. :) I'm definitely taking family back again this year, i could even make a good case for the same hotel same place as the town had a fantastic atmosphere, the water was nice and clean and the hotel was super awesome with great food for kids as well. 
So we will see.... To our surprise Kristof really did wear himself fine, it was me who couldnt take the long drive. Actually there is a good story about this. We started out at midnight so we would be at the hotel by the morning and so Kristof would sleep through the night, now we ended up almost turning back home at the Croatian border (about 4hrs away from destination but 3 hrs away from home) as we didnt have Kristof written into our passport. So it looked like we are trying to steal baby out of the EU and stuff. :) Now since running around the EU countries is so easy we never thought this could happen, but it did, so thinking about it we had a few options, either we try by the Slovenian border or we are not going to Croatia and go to Italy which is part of the EU. So we decided to try the Slovenian border which wasnt far away, but we got our punishment big time, while we were let in Croatia there, it was quite a good trip down there , it turned into morning and traffic from all west and north countries emerged into a fantastic 5-6hr traffic jam... So beautiful Kristof also started to be a bit cranky, not to mention me. So the story is that instead of a 7hr easy trip it became a 15hr eternal hell drive... Wonder why it always happens to me that im missing planes traines and rides or everything takes double time... I wonder ... :)

My task for this year was only one challenge. To make money in poker and support family, to some extent i am through this one challenging year, to some extents we are not secure enough and pretty vulnerable to short term variance and other risk factors, so i'm not really sure where this career will lead, but i'm always ready to challenge myself into something new. Now that is not a talk of giving up, although i'm pretty sure what i've been through this year most people would give up. First of all i left the hotel business(own choice) end of last year so i can 100% give into poker and make a great year, turning myself a pro. It wasn't without lot of thought and consideration given into it, and we had a good team behind us with a pretty successful last year earning somewhat short of 40K. So if i think about it it wasn't a random idea, plus i've been playing poker for 4 years at that point and every year except the 1st one i turned a decent profit. But the year started out pretty bad, first without the hotel's income not supporting my back i turned more vulnerable to tilt, my game deteriorated from its A game and i mostly played in a B to C game status all year with hugely bad variance hitting me for the most part of the year, i actually have never ran so bad in my life, and just figured what bad variance can mean this year. I ran around 4K dollar below expectation for the whole year maybe a bit more plus the other factors not included that my luck was just plain shit, at least what it comes down to cards. Also in the first half of year right after the big decision to go pro my team fell apart somewhat as we got scammed by our old coach. Pretty shit situation to be, started to question every single move i made and it didnt help my game for sure. So struggling with my game struggling not to go under with bankroll and struggling with tilt, wife creeping out on financial issues and all kinds of distractions like my old office where it wasn't quiet and calm it wasn't really a good start as a pro. Another distraction through middle of the year was moving and changing apartments with a 9 month old. Please do not try such a foolish thing. Definitely not recommending it. My dad was key in this situation, he organized the rebuilding and construction work, so that made our life so much easier, but still. I was for the most part of the year under rolled and that just felt like always keeping one hand in the fire. Games got also much tougher and definitely higher variance. What i dont mention is that it was really hard getting back to normal, getting back to a focused mindset, i was working on my game all year long, but when you are working on the wrong stuff you can work your ass off results will not come your way, at least not positive ones. Definitely after we moved and i got my own quiet workplace in the new apartment, my focus turned for the better, i started to play immediately my A game for at least 60-70% of the time and now i feel comfortable that when the variance changes i will produce the results. I really believe that this is the toughest career one can choose, and with all the insecurity of online poker im not quite convinced i chose the right path. This next year will have to be even harder work, i have the cooler environment, i have faced the hardest emotional barriers, we got used to changing our standard of living a bit this year, got accommodated with son in family, so i'm really looking forward to hard work and definitely more positive results than this year. I will also have an alternative game to cash games and will try to beat and grind some low stake sitngos as well. So with better prospects to the new year im ready to leave the old one with heads up and hopefully with a solid start i can really achieve what i set out for next year. 

When i wrote my last years resolution blog i said i dont expect much from this year, and i still got so much more from it, im happy that our family really backed us so well this year without them it would be so much harder. And every minute and cent of their help just raised us from sinking under. I really appreciate their help, in my opinion that can only come from them. I would mention a few poker buddies as well, but i believe poker buddies are more for socializing and for learning, they are not gonna come over and solve your problems. You have to take accountability for everything you do and achieve, even if the results are not to your liking. It has to be you who makes the change -  after all your neighbor wont come through your door giving a helping hand, in this country if they come they always come with a complaint. Now that i just said that we have a lucky situation in this regard, we have some really cool elderly neighbors by our apartment :)

And finally I'm going for the New Year's plans and resolutions, i set my expectations high and look forward to achieve all of it in a good fashion... 

- take action on my sleeping and more routine into my sleeping habits even if i go to bed 3AM in the morning, but i want a routine that becomes a standard and have my 8hrs of sleep consistently (thats how much i need or my body shows its effects)
- do 2x a week power yoga (that would be 104x yoga for the year) and if i feel like doing more i can add extra exercise (like swimming, biking, running, etc), definitely biking is due as we plan this for years
- learning French, Spanish (the year's goal is to pass through some basic knowledge and acquire basic communication skills in French)
- possibly buy a bigger car (not sure about this as the new seat for my child is a perfect fit) and i just don't wanna sell the car if not necessary, although a cheaper maintenance car would be nice too, we will see as the year goes along
- while it is unlikely that we gonna move this year again, i haven't given up on the idea of living on a nice tropical island or in a warmer climate place for a few years or possibly moving into a bigger city destination with more opportunities ... this I just put out here as a reminder for myself that i still have some way to go towards this, but it should be done within next few yrs
- possibly write a blog every quarter at least (that means 4 blogs for next year - 4x overcommitment compared to this year)

- few trips around the year (skiing, visiting some sea and maybe hiking trip)
- I'm not saying that i'm not ready for a little Susy, so we never know what 2011 brings  :D
- Date nights weekly with Csilla - better planning and execution as we lacked about this quite a bit this year and if we had a date night it was every few weeks time, so we definitely need to be more alert about this
- complete furnishing Kristof's room (bed, some drawers, etc)

- sell part of real estate so we can build it up or sell entire real estate
- start up trading fund from money and start seriously learning to trade, it is a function of what happens with real estate
- depends on poker results consider options into the future (possible future businesses, career opportunities)

- mostly playing 100NL for the most part of the year , looking to build my skills and game and bankroll to a healthy 200NL position with better security while i can still withdraw monthly for expenses
- continuous improvement in SNGs and do a monthly volume of around 1500 on the side of cash games
- Discipline about bankroll, game selection, and volume (especially in SNGs)
- Create game plan for SNGs and gameplan for Cash game (that is first week of January thing) and keep to it
- Playing a bit more of easy live games as well, especially cash games (maybe setting goal for 1x / week at least)
- Consider some coaching as year goes along to up your game both in SNGs and Cash games

At the moment nothing else comes through my mind (probabily missing a bunch of stuff, but thats what happens when you wanna cover the whole year in one plain blog), the year was very busy, mentally challenging, financially draining, but on the other side we learnt to value things from a different perspective, we grew love to a higher level in the family and we certainly became better at ourselves in whatever physical and mental development that we passed through. Year passed, came out smarter and stronger and definitely more experienced !!! Good bye 2010, Welcome 2011!!! 

And if u still happen to read my blog, I wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

And last i would like to post one quote that is one favorite of mine and i try to live by the quote from the movie Rocky Balboa coming from Rocky:

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done ! Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth.

But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers, saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody ! Cowards do that, and that ain’t you!”.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Im a father, 2 jobs to 1, money matters and the new year

It took me almost 5 months to finally make a small script here. Life has changed. Drastically. 180 turn i would say, its not to say for the worse, it's changed. And that change requires a lot of change on our side. I became a father. Was waiting for this moment so long and Kristof arrived, stirred up feelings, stirred up emotions, and created a hurricane in our somewhat orderly life. Change has come...

It started on 26th of august, sunny day, we both very excited. We were waiting for this day so long. And Csilla still didnt feel a thing, and doctor was worried and took the safe path and started the birth with some medication and normal method that started the birth, but Csilla didnt want to let go of Kristof yet and the decision came to a ceasarian cut. But before that hell took place in the hospital. I was there with wifey joking around, talking about stuff, future, what ifs and what whens...we just didnt know that plans will be ruined at that moment when baby pops out... lots of future talk and some present joking...we didnt know one bit whats coming but were kind of waiting the child thing to hit us :)  then pain starting to hit and Csilla fucking started to go nuts... and i was like totally clueless how could i help looking down at her suffering ... that was probabily emotionally as much of a hell for me as it was pain for her physically... then doctor stopped her suffering after about an hour and half and says they are gonna cut her up taking baby out... Im getting all relieved and now im like all laid back waiting to meet our baby... I was actually worried a bit of the surgery too, but i think that was 100% better than seeing wifey suffering on the bed and being all helpless... so that was good. Nurses went asking if im going to take pictures of the baby, and im all hell yea. I just need to jump to car pick camera up, they go all oh you dont have time for that... im like what?!!! So i ran accross the hospital which was a long run, and ran back as quick as i could in probabily 30 degrees all over the hospital and outside, just to find by the time im back with camera im hearing baby crying... What a moment... Im sure i just fail describing that moment, but if i thought i was strong and powerful and big, the moment i saw my son i was the exact opposite, he symbolicly made me bow in front him, demanded my respect. When he started to feel me he got all quiet. When i stepped away he cried and then i got closer he was quiet again. Dont know if there is any sense for babies for their close ones but it felt like it.  Like a kharma thing. Also i was crying like a little bitch struggling with my tears the whole time, so no good pics from newborn if at all there exist any out there... Half an hour later whole family got to know the news, but still everyone was worrying about Csilla still lying in the surgery room. It was the longest wait in my life i think, took about 1 hr till doctors came out and said everything is alright... It was a worthy wait as their job was more than fucking excellent. I cant see a thing on Csilla, well a small cut, but its really minuscule and i think it will be further diminishing down the line as time passes.

The first week
It was a bit of hell and a bit of more hell... I think that was the hardest week so far in raising our child. I stayed in the hospital with Csilla in a family apartment and was there the whole week. Baby was a bit weak, Csilla had to take antibiotics and got like million visits a day by nurses, not letting her sleep and stuff. In addition to that she was injected like 5x a day, which caused her extra pain other than her belly cut. Looking back at it she was so clueless... she couldnt milk her breasts ... LOL... and when nurses did it for her it was a bit painful i would estimate from seeing Csilla becoming a total nutjob screaming with nurses... I wasnt aware what im looking ahead to... :D Is Csilla going to be such a nutjob at home too? I hoped not... But at the time it felt like the hospital was a big help for me, and it is like a crash course for dummies in baby raising.  Well, to be honest by now i think coming home to a much relaxed environment is so much better, figuring out whats good for us and the baby, what works, what doesnt... its just a relief...

Things ever since exploded on us in a bit harsh way... we are home and we learned everything just like every parent does in the world. We learn by experience and we read stuff here and there, but experience is biggest teacher. We learn what is good for our son whats good for us. There are million advice and how tos coming from all over the place, but you gotta do it your own ways. Parents dont know shit anymore... :) They raised us 30 something years ago and those methods are old school. We know more about children then ever. And every situation is different. I think im pretty good with my son, know what he likes and what he wants, i think i also spoiling him a bit, but in a good way... He is not spoiled yet with Ferrari shoes and D&G gear, rather he is spoiled by me holding him in my arms when he needs attention and this job is so rewarding. As baby grown up he is getting used to us, now i stayed home for the first 2 months and it was time well spent. I got to experience my sons growing phases. Its a big change every week, and after about 6-7 weeks he started to recognize our faces i think and he makes this beautiful greeting smile taking after Csilla at us... Its the biggest joy of all things and makes us forget pretty much everything all the suffering, frustration  and all the pain we had to live through. Raising a kid is not some Malibu vacation, time to time its fucking hell, but its enjoyable and its kind of a cool... Maybe its not even hell... but so far no private time, no time to relax, no time for mommy and dady anymore...  nothing... we havent spent almost any time with Csilla, meaning not going out ever since. I do go out alone with friends or by myself but i never did that before. I just used to take the woman with me ... now i feel like im on my own...It feels like it... I know with time its going to get better, and i know Csilla is occupied 24/7 and i cant wait for that period to end. A matter of fact i think we give more affection to Benny then we give to each other. Its like we run out of power, our batteries die by the time we can get there. There is a whole bunch of stress piled up under the carpet i would say, lots of issues on dealing with each other, dealing with baby, different opinions, my night lifestyle, and a small apartment is a lot of times a cause of storms in relationship. Add up to this some tough hours in hotel, at home and everywhere. If i had sleeping disorders back before baby was born, i think it is now not a disorder its a distraction, i just would love to sleep, but i cant... No shit Csilla's situation is much worse. All in all i think we gave up everything these last few months and often cry back for the old times. I think we reached to a point where its going to start getting better, and every month we can reach for a bit extra privacy a bit more routine and bit of more of each other. Its going to be a good rediscovery of each other and it will be good times again. Im looking at it positively, but i also like to take reality for its worth. And reality is not always shining at us from all positions. All this writing i have made i did it about 1 and half to 2 months ago, and things got a bit better with Kristof. He is now a big boy, and a lot easier to deal with other then his weight that is killing both our backs. :S  Also he is developing very fast, he is big like a 7-8month old child which is weird as none of us are that big, and he is rolling over now and likes to coo a lot and is one happy boy smiling a lot at his environment.

We are very much compensated though. We get a lot of family help, we get a lot of positive feedback, and we get our son growing, smiling, laughing at us, which is the best medicince for all issues so far. I love him so much, i cant describe the feeling, its such a fantastic thing. I remember i was selfish enough not to want to raising a child up till last year, but its really one of the greatest things happened to me and its not neccessarily a rewarding job to do, but yet i still find so much fullfilment in it, its great. And if u dont experience it, i dont think anything can describe this feeling good enough so you would give a shit. There were friends coming talking about their babies and shit and i was like who fucking cares, its a baby... all babies are crying... :D Not anymore, im like fucking unbelievably stoked and proud and everything :) You would probabily not understand. I didnt. Up till now, but u will when u go through this. Its all gonna change.

Slowly i will need to get back to my old self. I will need to turn into Don Juan or PimpMacDaddy again and conquer Csilla's world again. So i warn ya watch out lady... I hope this time comes very soon, i have low expectations nothing before Kristof gets 1 year old. I have some expectations by this date, hopefully we will be able to start travelling again, hopefully we can get more private time and hopefully our nights will be less disturbed and we get a fair share of break, both of us. I believe it will be so...

Eversince of this writing i went back to hotel. It was 2 months i did basically  nothing but played poker and spend most of my time with Csilla and the baby and Benny of course. But i couldnt just stay home, as there was another responsibility that needed big care that is the hotel. In all sense i was very tired but i said im gonna go back and in fact move my office in there. It turned out was a bad idea. From that point i didnt see my family almost never. I took 24hour shift every 3 days and stayed in to play poker the other days often going into the nights and sleeping there. It was starting to bug me first i think, but my environment family came to me first i should have not done this at the first place. Well before i could make this realization i went to NYC for a week that was planned by me for ages now, and then to Macau to meet my coach and learn some Pot Limit Omaha. After i got back home it took time to get back with family and the hotel needed me more than anything as one of our receptionists went for maternity leave after being pregnant for 2 weeks.  Anyways, understandable people get super protective of their health and stuff when it comes to the most important thing in their lives. So yes all this hassle, basically 0 time before christmas with the loved ones and a bit of an away time from family got us to think i will not do the hotel for long. In fact i stopped doing it on the 31st of december with a huge outrage me being pissed off and smashing my Iphone into pieces. So now i dont have a phone. Well i do but i need to find my old phones charger. I could go and replace it but not gonna do it for now.

As of this writing i have given up the hotel job. I talked about it with my family and decided its no good for me. Yes some money i could have made is going to be lost, but you can see i put my actions were my mouth is. It will be all good, that job made me miserable, took away time from my family and all it gave me was some decent money, nothing exceptional but decent. Which of course will have to be replaced partially, but thats to be done through me doing what is best for my whole environment. So yes now im a fully self employed person. Took me a business degree and 6 yrs of time at the hotel to realise i dont want to do this. :) I knew it before but i never had the guts to lose it, to leave it behind, i was too attached to the money it earns and the lifestyle we could live. I think its the way i was raised.

But after all money is not important. Family is... and there are 100 zillion more important things then money. I make a small sideway about this here, just real quick. I realized that already having a bit of hard time to relate away from it ($) time to time, but i keep a strong will and try hard not to get consumed by this shitty concept MONEY. Its all good but there are so many things that are more important, i could just come up with millions of things, family, love, health, friends, self fullfilment, confidence, experience, motivation, self improvement, improving your environment , etc , etc... I mean just look at those people who worked their whole life made billions of dollars and at their end of life what they want to do? Make an impact, help the world donating it away. They could have started doing this sooner. They would never be so rich and their influence would be smaller, but if we think in mass, only like 1 out of 100K people get really rich.... so if u think what that 99.999% of ppl could do with their time and effort in the race while getting rich the answer is right there. Its important you think of others, and your environment, you make the world a better place. There are so many scumbags out there, a helping hand will always be rewarded with a smile and friendship. I just tried to make a point for not falling in love with money so much afterall why you need that much money? Im telling you i know of a few people that got really rich and are happy, in fact they got so protective over their property and shit that they would kill for it in bad times. They relate to money in their relationships, they judge the world in $ terms. Kind of a sick stuff. I came from a wealthy environment, and thus i know what it was like. There is bigger crisis here in my town then anywhere else in the developed world, and to be honest im a bit happy for it, because people are running away to all kinds of havens like family, friends, love and real good work.  Its very nice to see this. We feel its tough times, but in all ways its a good teaching from life, how well we can survive without all the things money can buy. Im gonna finish at this point with this.

So why do i play poker? At start it was for the money and the freedom it can buy. Then it became a self improving and self discovery endeavor and now its more like earning a living, while having fun and shaping my own self. It's not to say i stopped improving, i am just getting into this really right now. I have no other choice then to beat the game, or i can take a crappy job at some corporate money maker's and do the rat race.  At this time i enjoy poker very much, and its hard to imagine a different job for me. I also want to do something creative in the future i dont know what it would be, but i find out sooner or later. At this time im happy i made these decisions and the challenge is on.  Im a full time poker player for the time being and the grind is starting now. Watch out if u see me, u simply dealing with a daddy. :)

Since its the beginning of the year, i will mention christmas was fantastic, we got to relax a bit and enjoy quality time with family, it was like heaven for me. But in general i love christmas. I also gained about 2 kilos(its for the feel only, i dont know exactly as i havent stepped on scale for months now) in december, i couldnt hold exactly to my diet in the always constantly changing environment, like NYC, Macau, hotel, home, family... it was hard and it ended up me eating too much processed food and sugar...  Anyways the holiday went perfect and one of the biggest presents we got is i could take my wifey out to the movies to watch the latest big hit Avatar. Out of multiple tries this was the first time i felt we were on a real date. It was awesome and look forward to the next ones to come... New years Eve wasnt much of a blast rather staying home trying to relax... Maybe next year, and next year it should be...

Summing up 2009... it was a tough year... it was hard to not fall down, and it was hard keeping up... but we managed well... and at the same time we had a baby join our little family circle also making things a bit more complicated... All the toughness this year brought us made us realize new things and a baby is always a blessing. It is challenging, but i think we are coping pretty well.  On my goals that are set for the year were mostly satisfied if not overachieved. Some i didnt fullfill but the more important ones i did, and im happy overall. But to review this i put up my last years note below ...
Goals for 2009:
Become a semi-pro poker player CHECK 

- grind 30 hrs a week and kind of do as a half time job NOT POSSIBLE FOR ME WITH ANOTHER JOB, BUT CLOSE I PLAYED THIS MUCH
 Move up to 200NL both skill and bankroll wiseSome poker records - 8K hands a day record CHECK
- one 5 digit tournament money - possibly win myself into the WSOP DIDNT PlAY TOURNEYS MUCH, AND WSOP WAS NOT MADE THIS YEAR>>> so this was a small fail or goal not set well as im not a tourney player....
Reduce debts by 25% CHECK overachieved
Save X dollars (the no. X is not public at the moment, although this goal is borderline reachable) CHECK

Baby plans as can seen CHECK
Destroy old building on land i bought and buy architect plans for future construction, this has low priority as goals no. 4 and 5 are higher importance once failed

For the first time in my life its hard to plan for 2010. In fact i feel confused in many areas of my life, i made some big decisions in 2009 that will impact me for some time in the future. I have no real goals for 2010 other than to survive and to live a fuller life. I do have some goals id like to meet, maybe they are

-move into a bigger apartment or a house
-provide family a living from poker (200NL is goal for the whole year, no big expectations, maybe shots at 400NL and learning PLO)- the utmost challenge for 2010 as poker become the only source of income
-paying off some more debts 
-do something with real estate (sell it or start building it)
-self improvements (getting into routine, wake up normal hrs latest 9.30 on most days, grind 6 hrs/day, getting into some workout as that time was killed at end of year for me, and keep living a healthy life)

I made these goals up not so long ago, as i have no REAL plans for 2010. I dont know if its the baby thing or me being very tired, but i just feel like in year 2010 things will just come their way for me, i know what i have to do and i will do that, nothing i can do as my hands are tied down atmo, so i dont expect this year to completely be in my own control, but i will try to manage it so it would be something to my own liking... Thats all i can promise... no crazy big plans...just life in might feel a bit scarry not having plans, but there are always some plans, and no plan gets executed as it was planned... just not possible...thats life!!!

I dont know when will i be posting a new blog, i have done some serious script for NYC and Macau, but when will they get posted im really not sure. They are there for me and sometimes i have little interest in blogging to show off or blogging to inform friends about stuff going... i think i prefer chatting or talking on skype over the blogosphere. Im not saying this is my last post as i like writing some stuff off my chest time to time, but you can see it took me 5 months to come up with this script.  I'll be back soon, but when that will be I dont know. 2 weeks, 5 weeks, 1 year?  i dont know, in the meantime you know where u can find me... I try my best to not get lazy blogging ... WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Counting the last days...

It's been a long time since i didnt post anything. Im feeling alright despite a bad day in poker, and decided im gonna finally write something. This blog could be 50 page BSing what happened in the last 2 months and could be a minute short as that many things happened to us basically. There was a lot more going on under the surface then in real life, but i would say things were happening in the right order.

I start off with the worse... Life is tough at the tables for me. Deck is really not treating me right and for about 2 and a half months now im breaking even, which is kind of daunting and depressing as it is. But better now then in the winter i say. Also life responsibilities as they grow also have a bit of effect on my game, and im definitely not playing my best. The tables are also quite crazy and got much tougher these days. Another things is i have to come up with a hell load of money every quarter, so basically i can say financially im as broke as i was in high school. Ok not that bad, but not where i want to be. A positive sign though is that im 85% done with yearly financial plans that i set out beginning of the year. Plus ive got a decent base investment beneath which once will turn into some money hopefully. Recently im thinking more and more about doing something with myself... like put more time into some business building activity or do some other business other than poker... was thinking about a lot of stuff, but i think i just have extra energy i wanna burn off recently... not sure what i will do but i might come up with a random plan shortly. I know its not the right time to start building a business so this is not something i will do the next 12-18 months. But its more like planning for now... until then i have a lot to work on my poker game and have to fight myself to turn into a better man. Im also seriously thinking picking up trading stocks again. I did it in college with no capital and no training and no discipline and little success, but i learned a lot in poker and learned a lot about educating myself and since trading is similar to poker i might pick it up as an extra curriculum for me. Will see there is quite a lot of change that gonna take place in my life and all that extra time i have right now, might be all tighten up as baby is coming shortly.

Talking about being better, trying to improve as a poker player, as a person brought a nice little change in my life... I became more concerned about long term living and became more health aware or health conscious... started out with looking at my posture early this year, which ended me buying a new chair. Still think it was one hell of a good investment. Recently i got a fantastic pillow from my mom, which according to her saying was 140 euros (i cant see myself spending this cash on a pillow), but she surprised us this weekend. How lovely is that from her. Its some orthopedic pillow and the material used in it is used in fighter pilots chairs... Very comfortable, adjusting to body movements (and this one really does adjust) and since im using this only for 3 days now i cant say anything to its effects but i might post a very positive note in the near future about it. Hopefully :D Anyways, all this is due to my neck problem which in my opinion is a side effect of my childhood gaming. I used to sit in front of the tv or monitor playing games turning my neck and posture into a wreck. Now im trying to fix it but its much harder than screwing it up. Also it will never be in new condition any more... Once its broken its never like the new original stuff... :)

Also my sleeping is not as screwed up anymore as it was last year. If u remember i shifted every day about an hour past my last days sleeping schedule basically living a 25 hr day. What i had realised is that it was more of a self discipline problem rather than me being special in this matter. Discipline was always one of my monsters and i have to admit to some point im struggling with it till date, but im fighting it now and it got much better. So thats good. If i just could have learnt it in my childhood things would be much easier right now. But according to astrology (me being a scorpio) i have self destructive traits in me which i can absolutely confirm knowing my past. Anyways healthy living became one of my high priority goals to follow and pretty much im enjoying it.

I tried to change my diet earlier this year to a 5x a small meat diet plan, which worked very well, i was sleepy all day from eating the wrong food and gained 5 kilos (around 12 pounds) so i started to look like a pig... Must not say an opportunity came from a friend right after that, basically my poker coach Jason told me i should switch to the warrior diet or at least try it, so i read the book so i dont do stuff incorrectly and eat bad food and stuff. I was hooked at first try and am enjoying this eating style very much. In very short summary the whole lifestyle is a very contradictory to todays clinical studies, saying we should eat once a day. Thus one big meal per day. So basically during the day we undereat(drink fruit juices, water and eat fruits, salads only), basically fasting and at night we can eat the whole day portion for dinner if we eat the right food (no fries, cakes, soda etc) This way the body can clean itself during the day from toxic material and be always alert and ready kind of like a warrior (eating berries during day, training or fighting in war times or hunting and finishing day with the big meal, while at the same time being lean and muscular) ... Its a bit more complex then i say here, there is a book afterall about it, but its not hard at all, plus i dont have to think food all day. Most people on a diet are thinking food in the morning, food at lunch and food for dinner. Its like their whole day is around food. I dont have to deal with this issue, kind of like the best lifestyle for my personality and style of living. I would say for most people it would work too, as with other diets the problem is they usually gain weight after finishing it. Afterall most ppl have no resources (time, money, will, etc) to follow a diet for a long time. This diet however is easy as walking. Anyways, the book is very motivational and explaining facts about nutritional treatment to our bodies, cycles, cleaning, psychology , state of mind etc etc. The diet not just that worked for me really well, losing slowly 5.5 kilos - 13 pounds in 6 weeks, but i can eat every night rewarding myself for a good day turning every night into a feast. Its really awesome and during the day i also feel all alerted and focused which definitely helps me play better. Another important thing the diet balanced my insulin production which was all messed up because of the mucho sugar intake in my previous diets... So i was like sugar hyped in one moment and then felt all sleepy all of a sudden in consistent wave patterns... This is no issue these days. The diet suggests its own workout as well, but i didnt go for it as i liked's Power 90 excercise series... So now i can workout at home not needing to go to the gym and stuff ... its really really awesome and actually after 10-12 years im doing excercise regularly (2-4x a week) and hoping to shape my body into good condition. I ordered some weights for home and i like to use them pretty much. I never really liked to go to the gym in my town anyways. The gym is packed with brainless chicks watching every moves of the big buff guys who breathe steroids and shit. Kind of not my world. And most likely im not theirs either. So yeah no good fit. While i can do excercise at home it saves time, it saves money and excercise actually gets done as it is right here right now kind of thing, no need to go places, which is often a turn down for most people (including me, especially in cold weather). Its a bit anti socializing myself this way, but its not like i was chatting too much in the gym either.

All that i just wrote was an enlightening to me how i want to keep myself in good shape for a long time ahead in time. Im seeing fat people eating burgers and sweets all the time, not working out and having all kinds of issues. They are more keen to start having drinking problem and diseases hit them faster then anybody else. I just wanna be the exact opposite. And im not saying im not gonna die young as this is not what i can predict, but im gonna do everything i can to enjoy life as long as possible. And that requires a healthy mind and healthy body. End of story here. :))) For only this change this is a very special realization in my life i believe.

Dont know if there is any reason for this, but i think it also has to do with a baby coming to our family. I want to be a good husband and a good father. Im not sure how i will do at any of these things but im trying to. I want to be special in this world for my family, not for anyone else but only for them, i know values shifted a bit recently in todays world, people are cheating on each other, divorces multiplied, lot of people are disappointed with their life with their relationships, careers, or just simply need something they cant get that leads them to strike for excitement which often lead to bad marriages, selfish behavior and the media is out there at every point to support that its the way to go. At least ppl get this feeling in mini doses i believe. Basically i dont wanna do that, i was raised in learning different values and in this sense im pretty conservative. So yea, i wanna do my best and try to be the best mate and father for my family. Easier said than done, but im determined, and u know what that means.

The pregnancy has come to the last few days and it looks we are becoming parents were soon. We are both so excited, but i can only talk for myself, but i would describe myself totally superexcited about this. Im waiting to meet my son and getting ready for the times with him. I remember at the early stage of Csilla's pregnancy i could say i was a BIT disappointed in getting a boy, but now im just like happier for it then ever. We went through again some names and we changed his name from Dennis to Kristof (english equivalent would be Christopher). I think both names are very cool, but we decided to give a name that goes better with a hungarian name like Vas.

Talking about names we went through name numerology luck factors, horoscope compatibility and all astrological bs that exists there. Especially me as im a true believer in astrology. For some reason most of the traits a scorpio has fits me, while the writings of a virgo find to be true for Csilla and for most people basic characteristics fit smoothly well. So yeah i was looking for incompatibility issues as well, things that need attention in the raising of little Kristof. Also name numerology we went through ppl surrounding us and those who had an unlucky name had actually suffering more in life then avg, and those having a lucky name had better easier lifes as usual, so if you find your life be average or to that fact below average i would recommend you looking into your name as well, and maybe even changing it, afterall. Im not sure after all logical reasonings and logical living why would i turn to this kind of superstitious stuff, but it just works for me, and i have had the business running through the help of astrology and some feng shui stuff and some hard work. So yeah, even if its all BS im pretty sure it does no harm to follow this stuff :)

Lastly but not least a few words on the lil baby, thus my wifey... She is hanging in there pretty tough, very fit mom, does work like all the time and does live a very active life still few days before baby is due. I can see now that her body is taking a toll on her more and more but she just keeps it real positive and like nothing is happening to her. Actually she is craving for some shopping for herself, so i promised im gonna take her with baby for a full day of shopping a couple weeks after baby was born.

I wrote so much already and didn't even cover about a trip to Lake Balaton where we visited Balatonfured along with Benny a couple of weeks ago, then we made another trip there for the swimming through the lake that i missed because of traffic jams. Then there were a bunch of trips to the doctor with Csilla that were all some pretty nice experiences and there were some great nights out, a Krav-Maga party and some night out with Tibi and a lot more, couple of live poker nights that i havent wrote about that i will remember with good memories, but right now i cant wait to become a dad and i look forward to it very much and all these memories while very nice we concentrate on other big moments of life.

Im eagerly counting every second till the date comes... Looking forward to meet lil Kristof and become a dad providing him a comforting nest and home...

Expect to see another blog soon ...


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Hey all,

it is really not me who is selling stuff out in the wild, but after 5 weeks on the warrior diet im really stoked, i feel really well, i feel all energized and younger then what i felt 2 months ago. This is really a great lifestyle i can only recommend. oh yeah i also lost 12 pounds as a side effect. :) I also have to say i tried out a diet that recommended small portions 5x a day. And i eventually gained 10pounds. So this diet really worked for me and i am so excited how much more i can achieve with it.

Here is a short text im gonna put up, if u feel like reading the book i definitely recommend you to buy it. Im all hooked. Few things in life get me hooked in such a short period of time or to and extended period, but i think this diet seriously did.

So text as promised :) And i promise i blog more in the future. Im getting myself to it one of these days to post something up.

The Science of undereating

by Ori Hofmekler

Generally speaking, scientists and science have shown clearly that when you

undereat, the brain exercises exactly like a muscle exercises. Brain-derived
growth factors are triggered and new brain cells are produced by stem cells.
Tissue recycling - a controversial issue - occurs. Nonetheless, scientific
thinking is dogmatic.

They postulate:

"If this is the Prediction then let us start isolating

diet elements. Let us isolate the calorie intake alone. Let us then analyze the
exercise element alone. Then let us combine the overall diet element and the
overall calorie intake element. After that, let us examine the exercise
elements and see how the two - exercise and diet - interact."

I contend that these sub-elements cannot and should not be separated. For

example, a person adhering to the principle of intermittent fasting, as
outlined in the Warrior Diet, should under-eat during the day followed by night
eating. After a period of time they will find that appetite and food
consumption, their choice of foods, even their taste preferences, will change.
This usually manifests within five to six weeks. If you follow this eating
cycle for a protracted period, you will eat differently and crave different
foods. You will naturally develop a taste for foods at the bottom of the food
chain. Your appetite and preferences will morph and become different. You
literally will undergo a transformation in habits and tastes.

According to Dr. Mark Mattson, a leading researcher on intermittent fasting,

participants who follow a one meal per day cycle have shown a natural tendency
to reach a full sense of satiety on a lower calorie intake than the fixed
calorie intake requirements imposed in studies. This skews results: instead of
letting the participants follow their natural instinct, to eat less and feel
full faster rather than observe how a one-meal-per-day approach naturally
morphs caloric intake downward, participants are force-fed. They had to keep
eating, against their will, to comply with the study's fixed calorie intake
terms and precepts. With all due respect, it will take years before researchers
realize how things really work in real life. There are so many variable and
complexities, various elements are intertwined. There is the feeding cycle
element, the food/fuel element, the calorie intake element, the exercise
element - there are changes in food availability, and don't forget the gender
element! It will take scientists, using classical analysis, forever to analyze
and dissect these findings. Perhaps in the distant future science will come to
the conclusions what we already know to be true! We already have so much empirical
evidence, so much real life experiences, that one can only hope that science
will eventually catch up.

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Monday, June 08, 2009

I am my own prisoner

Another month passed by so time for another blog to be released. I am just enjoying my 2 day break i gave myself and thinking of nothing that happened in the last month, It was such such challenging and it really did get to me... But read on and u get the details...

Ok 3 months ago i was looking to get some excercise to get in better shape and i was looking mostly to join some martial arts club, well that did happen and Tibi and I started to do Krav-Maga classes. Krav-Maga is really not much of an art, its rather a self defense class learned by Israeli secret agents and military forces. It is close combat techniques for survival in very short. I like it for multiple reasons, it gives me great condition, it provides me survival instincts, i get tougher, and its 50m far away from my house... That is i dont even need to get change clothes with me :) Nice feature to have when im always out of time... Anyways, just after i started, i got kind of injured and had to skip this last month, there is this excercise when we kick each other in the leg to strengthen our thighs and calves, but in the chair in front of the monitor no real muscles were generated in the last few years, so i chickened out after some of my veins got so pumped and swollen i had to skip a few trainings. Still on the injury list but this time for other reasons. My palms did get some infection and i have not 100% recovered from that. So as you can see Im a broke down ol man... :) Here is a short teaser of what is it that we do...

So thats about excercise for these days, i am looking for other ways to move out of my room/office/playground as i need to be out on fresh air more often... Csilla has stopped doing shifts and that just reduced my time outside even more as i used to do walking with Benny but i lack to do so ever since she is home as she does that from now... So to get out more im looking forward to buy a bike in the near future and even possible to buy one at end of this month as a treat for playing good poker, but only in that case... So now i have the motivation to play well for the month... i still need to look around what bike i'd like if its a speedster or some kind of mountain bike... will see how that goes ... no real preferences for now...

At the beginning of this year i have decided we are inviting out a part of our family each month for dinner. We get treated so well by our family from both ends that i somehow try to give back and spending extra time with them so this is kind of good fun... So we attended a few wine tasting and dinners that we really enjoyed and plan to do so for the rest of the year... It is just going to have to happen... It only depends on how i will do financially i guess but im pretty positive that we will somehow find solution to this matter. It only depends on my ability to work hard nothing else I guess. Being a customer we can choose from over a bunch of restaurants in town and around as there are so many out there... Im pretty sure that Komarno has the most Restaurant/person in the world... its just unreal, and its just weird... as all of the restaurants are completely empty... we dine out quite frequently and every time we go, no matter where we go we are always alone... But the market keeps raising more and more of them, so there is a good chance this number will grow in the very near future... To be honest this is not just not good for the market, but neither it is for the customer, i mean it is kind of low cost to maintain a restaurant and everyone finds SOME business somehow and making moves here and there ppl never close them down. Also if they do, it just becomes a rented property, having said that i can state they never close down, just their number keeps growing... Kind of a sick state... Im not sure that in a democracy a state/town/region could define a quote for maximum no. of businesses but im pretty sure it would be needed in this town... This way no one restaurant is going to make a profit in the future, at least not for the near future... Also this hole situation creates a culture of empty restaurants, which in turn does not attract customers. I mean who wants to go to a restaurant if its always empty... this is a Check Mate situation as our Mayor and politicians have absolutely no desire to turn things around, and the market to be honest is the dumbest ive ever seen in the world... Its going to clean up eventually but it could take a decade or two.... Also empty restaurants follow up with shitier in the short run (5 yrs) we are screwed... just an opinion not a complaint... i dont really care, if i want to eat out we just go to the big cities around us and we also have a pretty good restaurant at hand ;)

So yeah, life goes slow around here, and i need always some motivation to carry on... And last month some really stupid motivation was my personal leader... I decided im gonna carry out a 160hour month in May. That means i have to play 160 hrs close to my best game. Now knowing my history this target was set to fail, and so it did. I did achieve bunch of records though. I did achieve better in every sense except my game. My game was way off, till the point where it just completely got lost and tilted hard... and i also got a huge burnout that i feel to this date... I mean i dont know what i have expected... Playing 160 hrs of poker is really not easy... to play 60 or 80 hrs for me was a challenge before, and now i did want to achieve such ridiculously high amount... well i tell you what happened... I looked for motivation... so there were bonus offers out there for me, there was a million dollar race out there, so the higher i reach the more i get paid... and finally my goal... it was all about me beating myself... and i did, but i still failed.... stupid goals lead to disaster anyways... Justin wrote me in the very beginning... quality over quantity... this was always natural to me by nature, but the game got me greedy and got me all lost... i was warned by a lot of ppl not to do it but i still carried on... Well, i got burnt out pretty badly and that caused me not want to play for a long time... so i took a longer break... At the end of day im still happy what i achieved this month... i did realize my barriers and a lot of leaks in my game... i would say my weakest part of my game is still my mental game, although i have a few bad habits as well that need to be fixed. Talking about habits i am trying to learn new habits and try to train good habits into myself in all aspects of life...

So summing up this month would look like this:
+ most hands played per day (6282 hands) although this was in june already
+ biggest win/day
+ biggest win/month
+ 362nd in the rake race earned me a nice bonus of $750
+ all bonuses cleared
+ most hands played per month reached (61678 hands)
+ most hrs played per month (117 hrs)
Bottom line with rakeback and bonuses was a nice 5 figure month... I could live with that any time

- 160 hrs not reached
- biggest lost per day
- burnt out at end of month
- lost the lifestyle i wanted to live
- lost touch with the world (sitting in my room all day)
- lost prop bet on goal not reached

So all in all although there were positives to last month there was a lot of negating factor making me decide not to do this type of rush any more. I need to reorganize my life towards more cycles of fun and less cycles of self destruction which i am very capable of ... this is why the title refers to me being my own prisoner... when i could just enjoy life as it is given to me i often find ways to destruct myself and this has huge impact on my environment too... I was not just missing out meeting people, but family as well... So another thing was learned... at least i hope... should be anyways...

Now the last 2 weeks of the month were quite a bad run for me and thus the somewhat negative tone for my blog as well... I did crash my car once again, its probabily the 5th time in my life that something happened to me in the car, not to mention there were few others when i wasnt driving... I guess im just not paying attention enough... It was a motorbike this time, its all me to blame, because i was on the side road and he came from the main road, but for sure he did speed like crazy... otherwise he would be able to stop the bike... well, it happened so now there's nothing i can do about it... i am not sure if this didnt happen i wouldnt do better in poker, but since it did, i just had to stop... Also pokerwise i started to run shit crazy bad so while i was in the gate 3 times to earn a trip to Vegas, i guess this year its not going to happen... I would be pretty easily make it if i did happen to deal with it more than 4 days... but this year it just wasnt that important for me to go, in other words i didnt want it enough... Saying all that im going to try harder for the January Poker Tour in the Bahamas, as that would be a place id like to visit....

Speaking of January, it looks like im going to spend a few months away from home and family as im moving to Macau for 3 months to play and advance in poker... Camp Macau is going to be 24/7 poker in the weekdays and fun stuff in the weekends hopefully, so im looking forward to that... It should be a great journey, i already have the permission from my lil wifey as well...

Btw, im glad she is doing very fine, we are talking quite a bit to our little boy and he seems to enjoy it, he is fond of music seems like, especially norah jones's "Come away with me" :))) Little Dennis is also pretty active and times that are quite extreme like late in the evenings. He also shows signs of interest when Csilla eats chocolate or something yummie... :))) So he is showing signs that he is getting ready for the LIFE.... We are going for a monitoring tommorow again to see Csilla and him are ok, and today it is planned that we are starting to do some shopping. Guess i can say goodbye to my office at home and need to find a new solution very soon... Or simply we just need a bigger apartment or house... :)))

I guess i will leave this blog at that... i have a few more topics i was meditating about recently but it will just have to fit in another blog.

Latez mates