It took me almost 5 months to finally make a small script here. Life has changed. Drastically. 180 turn i would say, its not to say for the worse, it's changed. And that change requires a lot of change on our side. I became a father. Was waiting for this moment so long and Kristof arrived, stirred up feelings, stirred up emotions, and created a hurricane in our somewhat orderly life. Change has come...
It started on 26th of august, sunny day, we both very excited. We were waiting for this day so long. And Csilla still didnt feel a thing, and doctor was worried and took the safe path and started the birth with some medication and normal method that started the birth, but Csilla didnt want to let go of Kristof yet and the decision came to a ceasarian cut. But before that hell took place in the hospital. I was there with wifey joking around, talking about stuff, future, what ifs and what whens...we just didnt know that plans will be ruined at that moment when baby pops out... lots of future talk and some present joking...we didnt know one bit whats coming but were kind of waiting the child thing to hit us :) then pain starting to hit and Csilla fucking started to go nuts... and i was like totally clueless how could i help looking down at her suffering ... that was probabily emotionally as much of a hell for me as it was pain for her physically... then doctor stopped her suffering after about an hour and half and says they are gonna cut her up taking baby out... Im getting all relieved and now im like all laid back waiting to meet our baby... I was actually worried a bit of the surgery too, but i think that was 100% better than seeing wifey suffering on the bed and being all helpless... so that was good. Nurses went asking if im going to take pictures of the baby, and im all hell yea. I just need to jump to car pick camera up, they go all oh you dont have time for that... im like what?!!! So i ran accross the hospital which was a long run, and ran back as quick as i could in probabily 30 degrees all over the hospital and outside, just to find by the time im back with camera im hearing baby crying... What a moment... Im sure i just fail describing that moment, but if i thought i was strong and powerful and big, the moment i saw my son i was the exact opposite, he symbolicly made me bow in front him, demanded my respect. When he started to feel me he got all quiet. When i stepped away he cried and then i got closer he was quiet again. Dont know if there is any sense for babies for their close ones but it felt like it. Like a kharma thing. Also i was crying like a little bitch struggling with my tears the whole time, so no good pics from newborn if at all there exist any out there... Half an hour later whole family got to know the news, but still everyone was worrying about Csilla still lying in the surgery room. It was the longest wait in my life i think, took about 1 hr till doctors came out and said everything is alright... It was a worthy wait as their job was more than fucking excellent. I cant see a thing on Csilla, well a small cut, but its really minuscule and i think it will be further diminishing down the line as time passes.
The first week
It was a bit of hell and a bit of more hell... I think that was the hardest week so far in raising our child. I stayed in the hospital with Csilla in a family apartment and was there the whole week. Baby was a bit weak, Csilla had to take antibiotics and got like million visits a day by nurses, not letting her sleep and stuff. In addition to that she was injected like 5x a day, which caused her extra pain other than her belly cut. Looking back at it she was so clueless... she couldnt milk her breasts ... LOL... and when nurses did it for her it was a bit painful i would estimate from seeing Csilla becoming a total nutjob screaming with nurses... I wasnt aware what im looking ahead to... :D Is Csilla going to be such a nutjob at home too? I hoped not... But at the time it felt like the hospital was a big help for me, and it is like a crash course for dummies in baby raising. Well, to be honest by now i think coming home to a much relaxed environment is so much better, figuring out whats good for us and the baby, what works, what doesnt... its just a relief...
Things ever since exploded on us in a bit harsh way... we are home and we learned everything just like every parent does in the world. We learn by experience and we read stuff here and there, but experience is biggest teacher. We learn what is good for our son whats good for us. There are million advice and how tos coming from all over the place, but you gotta do it your own ways. Parents dont know shit anymore... :) They raised us 30 something years ago and those methods are old school. We know more about children then ever. And every situation is different. I think im pretty good with my son, know what he likes and what he wants, i think i also spoiling him a bit, but in a good way... He is not spoiled yet with Ferrari shoes and D&G gear, rather he is spoiled by me holding him in my arms when he needs attention and this job is so rewarding. As baby grown up he is getting used to us, now i stayed home for the first 2 months and it was time well spent. I got to experience my sons growing phases. Its a big change every week, and after about 6-7 weeks he started to recognize our faces i think and he makes this beautiful greeting smile taking after Csilla at us... Its the biggest joy of all things and makes us forget pretty much everything all the suffering, frustration and all the pain we had to live through. Raising a kid is not some Malibu vacation, time to time its fucking hell, but its enjoyable and its kind of a cool... Maybe its not even hell... but so far no private time, no time to relax, no time for mommy and dady anymore... nothing... we havent spent almost any time with Csilla, meaning not going out ever since. I do go out alone with friends or by myself but i never did that before. I just used to take the woman with me ... now i feel like im on my own...It feels like it... I know with time its going to get better, and i know Csilla is occupied 24/7 and i cant wait for that period to end. A matter of fact i think we give more affection to Benny then we give to each other. Its like we run out of power, our batteries die by the time we can get there. There is a whole bunch of stress piled up under the carpet i would say, lots of issues on dealing with each other, dealing with baby, different opinions, my night lifestyle, and a small apartment is a lot of times a cause of storms in relationship. Add up to this some tough hours in hotel, at home and everywhere. If i had sleeping disorders back before baby was born, i think it is now not a disorder its a distraction, i just would love to sleep, but i cant... No shit Csilla's situation is much worse. All in all i think we gave up everything these last few months and often cry back for the old times. I think we reached to a point where its going to start getting better, and every month we can reach for a bit extra privacy a bit more routine and bit of more of each other. Its going to be a good rediscovery of each other and it will be good times again. Im looking at it positively, but i also like to take reality for its worth. And reality is not always shining at us from all positions. All this writing i have made i did it about 1 and half to 2 months ago, and things got a bit better with Kristof. He is now a big boy, and a lot easier to deal with other then his weight that is killing both our backs. :S Also he is developing very fast, he is big like a 7-8month old child which is weird as none of us are that big, and he is rolling over now and likes to coo a lot and is one happy boy smiling a lot at his environment.
We are very much compensated though. We get a lot of family help, we get a lot of positive feedback, and we get our son growing, smiling, laughing at us, which is the best medicince for all issues so far. I love him so much, i cant describe the feeling, its such a fantastic thing. I remember i was selfish enough not to want to raising a child up till last year, but its really one of the greatest things happened to me and its not neccessarily a rewarding job to do, but yet i still find so much fullfilment in it, its great. And if u dont experience it, i dont think anything can describe this feeling good enough so you would give a shit. There were friends coming talking about their babies and shit and i was like who fucking cares, its a baby... all babies are crying... :D Not anymore, im like fucking unbelievably stoked and proud and everything :) You would probabily not understand. I didnt. Up till now, but u will when u go through this. Its all gonna change.
Slowly i will need to get back to my old self. I will need to turn into Don Juan or PimpMacDaddy again and conquer Csilla's world again. So i warn ya watch out lady... I hope this time comes very soon, i have low expectations nothing before Kristof gets 1 year old. I have some expectations by this date, hopefully we will be able to start travelling again, hopefully we can get more private time and hopefully our nights will be less disturbed and we get a fair share of break, both of us. I believe it will be so...
Eversince of this writing i went back to hotel. It was 2 months i did basically nothing but played poker and spend most of my time with Csilla and the baby and Benny of course. But i couldnt just stay home, as there was another responsibility that needed big care that is the hotel. In all sense i was very tired but i said im gonna go back and in fact move my office in there. It turned out was a bad idea. From that point i didnt see my family almost never. I took 24hour shift every 3 days and stayed in to play poker the other days often going into the nights and sleeping there. It was starting to bug me first i think, but my environment family came to me first i should have not done this at the first place. Well before i could make this realization i went to NYC for a week that was planned by me for ages now, and then to Macau to meet my coach and learn some Pot Limit Omaha. After i got back home it took time to get back with family and the hotel needed me more than anything as one of our receptionists went for maternity leave after being pregnant for 2 weeks. Anyways, understandable people get super protective of their health and stuff when it comes to the most important thing in their lives. So yes all this hassle, basically 0 time before christmas with the loved ones and a bit of an away time from family got us to think i will not do the hotel for long. In fact i stopped doing it on the 31st of december with a huge outrage me being pissed off and smashing my Iphone into pieces. So now i dont have a phone. Well i do but i need to find my old phones charger. I could go and replace it but not gonna do it for now.
As of this writing i have given up the hotel job. I talked about it with my family and decided its no good for me. Yes some money i could have made is going to be lost, but you can see i put my actions were my mouth is. It will be all good, that job made me miserable, took away time from my family and all it gave me was some decent money, nothing exceptional but decent. Which of course will have to be replaced partially, but thats to be done through me doing what is best for my whole environment. So yes now im a fully self employed person. Took me a business degree and 6 yrs of time at the hotel to realise i dont want to do this. :) I knew it before but i never had the guts to lose it, to leave it behind, i was too attached to the money it earns and the lifestyle we could live. I think its the way i was raised.
But after all money is not important. Family is... and there are 100 zillion more important things then money. I make a small sideway about this here, just real quick. I realized that already having a bit of hard time to relate away from it ($) time to time, but i keep a strong will and try hard not to get consumed by this shitty concept MONEY. Its all good but there are so many things that are more important, i could just come up with millions of things, family, love, health, friends, self fullfilment, confidence, experience, motivation, self improvement, improving your environment , etc , etc... I mean just look at those people who worked their whole life made billions of dollars and at their end of life what they want to do? Make an impact, help the world donating it away. They could have started doing this sooner. They would never be so rich and their influence would be smaller, but if we think in mass, only like 1 out of 100K people get really rich.... so if u think what that 99.999% of ppl could do with their time and effort in the race while getting rich the answer is right there. Its important you think of others, and your environment, you make the world a better place. There are so many scumbags out there, a helping hand will always be rewarded with a smile and friendship. I just tried to make a point for not falling in love with money so much afterall why you need that much money? Im telling you i know of a few people that got really rich and are happy, in fact they got so protective over their property and shit that they would kill for it in bad times. They relate to money in their relationships, they judge the world in $ terms. Kind of a sick stuff. I came from a wealthy environment, and thus i know what it was like. There is bigger crisis here in my town then anywhere else in the developed world, and to be honest im a bit happy for it, because people are running away to all kinds of havens like family, friends, love and real good work. Its very nice to see this. We feel its tough times, but in all ways its a good teaching from life, how well we can survive without all the things money can buy. Im gonna finish at this point with this.
So why do i play poker? At start it was for the money and the freedom it can buy. Then it became a self improving and self discovery endeavor and now its more like earning a living, while having fun and shaping my own self. It's not to say i stopped improving, i am just getting into this really right now. I have no other choice then to beat the game, or i can take a crappy job at some corporate money maker's and do the rat race. At this time i enjoy poker very much, and its hard to imagine a different job for me. I also want to do something creative in the future i dont know what it would be, but i find out sooner or later. At this time im happy i made these decisions and the challenge is on. Im a full time poker player for the time being and the grind is starting now. Watch out if u see me, u simply dealing with a daddy. :)
Since its the beginning of the year, i will mention christmas was fantastic, we got to relax a bit and enjoy quality time with family, it was like heaven for me. But in general i love christmas. I also gained about 2 kilos(its for the feel only, i dont know exactly as i havent stepped on scale for months now) in december, i couldnt hold exactly to my diet in the always constantly changing environment, like NYC, Macau, hotel, home, family... it was hard and it ended up me eating too much processed food and sugar... Anyways the holiday went perfect and one of the biggest presents we got is i could take my wifey out to the movies to watch the latest big hit Avatar. Out of multiple tries this was the first time i felt we were on a real date. It was awesome and look forward to the next ones to come... New years Eve wasnt much of a blast rather staying home trying to relax... Maybe next year, and next year it should be...
Summing up 2009... it was a tough year... it was hard to not fall down, and it was hard keeping up... but we managed well... and at the same time we had a baby join our little family circle also making things a bit more complicated... All the toughness this year brought us made us realize new things and a baby is always a blessing. It is challenging, but i think we are coping pretty well. On my goals that are set for the year were mostly satisfied if not overachieved. Some i didnt fullfill but the more important ones i did, and im happy overall. But to review this i put up my last years note below ...
For the first time in my life its hard to plan for 2010. In fact i feel confused in many areas of my life, i made some big decisions in 2009 that will impact me for some time in the future. I have no real goals for 2010 other than to survive and to live a fuller life. I do have some goals id like to meet, maybe they are
-move into a bigger apartment or a house
-provide family a living from poker (200NL is goal for the whole year, no big expectations, maybe shots at 400NL and learning PLO)- the utmost challenge for 2010 as poker become the only source of income
-paying off some more debts
-do something with real estate (sell it or start building it)
-self improvements (getting into routine, wake up normal hrs latest 9.30 on most days, grind 6 hrs/day, getting into some workout as that time was killed at end of year for me, and keep living a healthy life)
I made these goals up not so long ago, as i have no REAL plans for 2010. I dont know if its the baby thing or me being very tired, but i just feel like in year 2010 things will just come their way for me, i know what i have to do and i will do that, nothing i can do as my hands are tied down atmo, so i dont expect this year to completely be in my own control, but i will try to manage it so it would be something to my own liking... Thats all i can promise... no crazy big plans...just life in general...it might feel a bit scarry not having plans, but there are always some plans, and no plan gets executed as it was planned... just not possible...thats life!!!
I dont know when will i be posting a new blog, i have done some serious script for NYC and Macau, but when will they get posted im really not sure. They are there for me and sometimes i have little interest in blogging to show off or blogging to inform friends about stuff going... i think i prefer chatting or talking on skype over the blogosphere. Im not saying this is my last post as i like writing some stuff off my chest time to time, but you can see it took me 5 months to come up with this script. I'll be back soon, but when that will be I dont know. 2 weeks, 5 weeks, 1 year? i dont know, in the meantime you know where u can find me... I try my best to not get lazy blogging ... WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!!!